The Night Before


‘Twas The Night Before, before Christmas, that caused me to rouse”
Feelings of anger I would rarely espouse.
This stoner caper has been made without care,
In hopes that you’ll soon forget the whole affair.

At a time when comedy is all Apatow and Ted,
Did we really need a Yule tale based based on ‘shrooms, weed and meds?
But that’s what we’ve got: rich boys acting like crap,
With (so typical at Christmas) a side order of sap.

Gordon-Levitt and Rogen and Mackie make banter
As three friends who love the season of Santa.
They’ve a Christmas tradition to meet up for hash
And good times aplenty as they go on the lash.

Alas, time’s moved on faster than they might know.
All are now north of thirty, and up they must grow.
Rogen’s married, Mackie’s famous, but Levitt’s unclear
About where his life’s going, out from his pals and beer.

The film begins with a backstory, quick.
Levitt’s parents died at Christmas, and pathos comes thick.
His pals have supported him as years went and came,
now arrested development has brought little but shame.

But isn’t that all such movies are about?
Guys who love pot, but with no cash or clout.
Falling ass backwards into mischief and strife,
Before being forgiven by a smokin’ hot wife.

As dry heaves set in from the debauchery,
It becomes clear there’s a place for such douchebaggery.
But it isn’t at Christmas, lest you seem like a tool.
Unless you’re chasing Chevy, no-one will be fooled.

The three doped amigos go off on a search
For an exclusive party, whilst Rogen’s wife goes to church.
That’s Jillian Bell in the thankless female role.
He frustrates, but she’ll pardon; it’s the spirit of Noel.

While Mackie conceals his steroidéd progress,
Levitt mopes over his ex, who he hopes will regress.
Lizzy Caplan should know better than this.
Watch Masters of Sex; there’s talent being missed!

The boys get in scrapes, with a stretch Hummer to ferry
Them hither and thither, and all to make merry!
Director/co-writer Jonathan Levine
Goes in for wish fulfilment, at the cost of a good time.

We watch these three morons whilst gritting our teeth,
‘Cause beyond broad dumb farce, nothing’s there underneath.
These guys are unlikeable cowards and liars,
Whilst exploiting nostalgia in ways desperate and dire.

Michael Shannon shows up as an over-mellowed dealer.
And emerges intact; a solid scene-stealer.
Other showbiz pals crop up to prop up this shambles.
Mindy Kaling, James Franco, this guest list does ramble.

It comes to a head with an emotional plea.
Miley Cyrus saving Christmas? Are you taking the pee?!
Though forgettable, the film’s a slovenly fright.
Nothing but cheap gags in this pile of… Good night